wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
