Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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