I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
