Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
