i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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