just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
