Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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