you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
