1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
