my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
