apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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