last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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