I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize