she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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