Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
