C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
