Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
