I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am available for nakedness
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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