I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
