Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
