my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
