so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
