the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
