i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
