why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
