The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
