she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
