There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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