I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
