i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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