3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
