We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
