You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
