I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
