I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Floor bacon is actually really good
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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