I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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