Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
