I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
