new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
