I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
