Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
