i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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