I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
