alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
