Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
