hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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