Ketchup is God's man juice
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize