My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
