Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
