She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
