We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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