On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I accidentally burped into my bong.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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