I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
