Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
