ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
