Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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