I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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