Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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