textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
