Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
