I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
