the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
