i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
