My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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