he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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