sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it was like eating out sand paper
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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